Words of Depression

Ever since I can remember, I have always been treated as an outsider. I was that person; the one to laugh at, the one others blamed their problems on, the one to verbally abuse to make themselves feel better. They made me believe nothing I could do was right. ‘Peers’ labelled me as 'depressive', 'freak', 'emo', 'gay', 'ugly', 'special'. I was called these names and more, nearly every day of my life. Eventually, I became these words. It’s funny when you think about it; how powerful words are. They have the power to encourage you or humiliate you, to make you a hero or a zero. Something that starts off as a joke suddenly becomes the horror of your reality. Those words became my world, they became me and I became them. I am depressive. I am a freak. That's what I started to believe, because words are what we use to make our way through life.

Words cut deeper than a knife ever could. It would have been kinder for them to have just beaten me up than to hear those words many times every day. I never got a break. People seem to only judge from the superficial level. They never bothered to look deeper or to take the time to get to know me.

Most days, I would return home to parents arguing and a family in crisis. There was no peace. I began to shut myself away from the world. At least being alone I did not have to deal with what was outside. But, I was never alone. I wore the words like a second skin. I morphed into those words. Often times disguised as banter and “only joking”, those words became my prison. I  lost myself and I lost my way. They say you would not care if they were not true, but by this time I had begun to believe that they were true.

The words and the thoughts in my head, the ones telling me that I would never be good enough, that I was worthless continued to take hold of me. I believed that my “friends” were right about me after all. I sunk into depression. I became needy, I wanted them to fix this and as I got needier, they used the words to make their point, that I was a 'weird'. When I confronted them about their relentless name calling, they would say “It’s just banter don't be such a girl”. I had no voice, I became the freak in my own mind. Eventually, I gave up on them, on me, on life. I was tired of everything. Depression was a huge weight I carried around with me. It wrapped my world in darkness. I began to space out, not focusing at school or even on what was going on around me. I would go in and out of conversations and miss things that were being said or discussed and they would say I was 'special'. Eventually, I would return home, with ‘depressive’ feeling following me, enveloping me in so much darkness that I could not see a way out of the vicious cycle I was in.

I was tired. Alone. Confused. The thoughts spiralling out of control. Nothing made sense any more. I felt dead inside. I felt hopelessness. I thought that perhaps pain would make me feel alive.  Many nights I sat at the kitchen table holding a knife. I was so tired but sleep was out of the question. Tomorrow the cycle will repeat itself and there is no way to stop it. I hold onto that knife, hoping that it could free me from this prison. The pain makes me feel alive.

Some days I managed to pick myself up. I wore a mask and I wore it well. I made people laugh and for that I was the centre of attention some times. Some people were nice to me. But by this stage it made no difference. I felt hollow. No one could understand me. It’s difficult to explain, the melancholy of joy.  

With time I learned that words only have the power you give them. Slowly I learnt to accept myself for who I am and what I am. The words lost their power. I made friends with people who like me for me.  I still bear the scars from that dark period in my life but I wear them proudly. I survived.

Music of the Century

Pop music seems to have taken a turn for the worst. Today it’s all about the bass and not about actually making good music. Songs are mediocre at best. Even music videos, something that is supposed to help create a message of the song and advertise it seems to be lacklustre. Have musicians just got lazy or am I missing something?

(Side note: Didn't you expect her to be fatter? I did, I expected this...

Damn I actually understand the song now)

Cheryl 'Who am I?' Tweedy Cole Tweedy Fernandez-Versini

Listen to Cheryl Fernandez-Versini's new song "I Don't Care". It is a horrible song with very repetitive lyrics. The song does have a really catchy tune and is easy to grasp, yet the lyrics seem cheap, even for a Cheryl song, "Waking up diagonal like an animal in a cold and empty bed". Really Cheryl? You are better than that! We understand you had a horrible break up and you don't care anymore, you had something with 'Fight for this Love' and 'Parachute', but this has just gotten ridiculous. "I heard you brought that girl around in half a gown and asked if I've been there, oh yeah" what does that even mean, did you already sleep with the girl before your ex got with her? It seems like our Cheryl is not even trying to make a decent song anymore.
Take a look at the music video, I'm pretty sure it has the same 4 or 5 clips of Cheryl dancing on a boat or a beach on loop. For trying to copy Taylor Swifts "Sake it off" I don't think it deserves number 1 nor does it deserve the award. I was hoping more from Cheryl.

Using Cheryl as an example most people would agree it is not a good song, so why is it popular? Why does it get awards? Why does Cheryl break UK history for an album that is so poorly done? it is an insult to the Queen? Most artists want to break into the "UK top 40", I would hardly call it that anymore. If it was actually judged on quality of the song rather than quantity of sales probably more than half of those "Number 1" artists wouldn't even be able to be called that and would still be doing small gigs. Take Maroon 5 and One Republic, both great artists who dramatically changed their sound from actually songs with a message to pop garbage. The term "sell out" should be ringing about now. If you listen to early Maroon 5 and One Republic they actually have a nice sound and songs that people actually would listen too, not just scream "THIS IS MY SONG" after we had a few tequila shots. You can argue that they are trying something new and it works since they are a Top 40 artists. I'll just use the word "Sell out" again, they sold their style to fit the popular image. Which is crank up that base and put in some Dubstep so when you hit the clubs you can hear your song.

EMA (Expected Music Awards)

Last weekend we saw the EMAs, hosted by the funny for the wrong reasons Nicki Minaj. The event went onto be dominated by One Direction, 5SOS and Arianna Grande. It was actually a great show to watch and we saw the great one hit wonder Kiesza do her hilarious dancing. We also got to see Anaconda by Nicki Minaj be performed, which was actually an obvious choice given the host. Now my problem with these "Award" Shows is that they don’t  seem to be accurate. As much as I don't like the heavily over played, very repetitive, highly irritating, past its date song "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. As far as I am aware Justin Bieber has not really been on the charts this year or for as long as the other nominees seems people just vote blindly for who they like, but Justin Bieber? He is actually the Comedian musical version of Steve Carrell no talent but yet still very popular in their industry. It amazes me what people become famous for these days. *Cough* Kim Kardashian *Cough*.

 

Please don't steal my Talent

Now there is always a silver lining to all tragedies. Even though the front of the music industry is as South Park put it "Selling Sex to little girls" (Please tell me "Steal my Girl" by One Direction is not about a creepy obsessive boyfriend "I don't exist without her love" "She belongs to me". Yeah that is one step away fro stalker.) This song makes me think One Direction are he kind of guys who think they are in a relationship with a girl but when she actually gets a boyfriend they don't really understand and go around shooting up a school.

You can actually find some decent music if you search. And you get the benefit of looking "Indy" because you have a favourite band none of your other friends listen too. Now this is why I personally don't agree with Taylor Swift taking her music off of Spotify because that is actually how I found her music. Maybe have one or two albums or a few songs so you can sample the artist? I actually found a lot of cool music on Spotify that is not considered "UK Top 40 Material" although it should. Such as Shinedown, who are a Rock band from, funnily enough Florida. Imagine Dragons, Fun,  and loads of others just by looking on "Related artists" you can find yourself lost in a world you did not even know existed.

Music will always go into a flux and what is "OHMERGERD" may not be in a few years or months even. For example, what happened to Robin Thicke or Lady Gaga? He was like the shit back in 2012-13, from being grinded by Miley to having Pharrell as his music bitch. And has Lady Gaga finally been absorbed by her Gay army living on as a spiritual God?  I just hope the next evolution to music isn't simple, I pray people like Sam Smith, Adele, John Legend (potential one hit), Hozier actually raise the bar and musicians like Meghan Trainor, Sia, Magic! don't have a chance to even make it to the big leagues. Only time will tell but for now, all I can say is actually listen to the song, ask yourself "does this even make sense or is it just a catchy beat".

Lest we forget

I am a big X-Men fan and so I was really excited to hear that the new X-Men movie First Class was going to be released in a few months. The film industry spend millions on marketing and building up a huge hype proclaiming that "this will be the best movie of the year!" or something hyperbolic like that.

However, when I mentioned how keen I was to watch the movie, many friends said that it's not going to be good – even though they had not watched it yet since it was not even out in theatres. But they were adamant and loud in their opinions and advice that I should not watch it; that I should stick to movies that they recommended or liked. I did find some good reviews on Google that said "actually it was not a bad movie"; “it's an exciting and thrilling movie" and "that it went in a new direction than the previous three X-Men”. But who do you trust? The minority that says that its okay to watch this movie as you may like it or the vast loud majority that claim that X-Men: First Class was intolerable and Matthew Vaughn should be hung for directing such a bad film. So I end up thinking that maybe I shouldn't even bother watching it.

But what if I did watch the movie? What if I watched it and I liked it? Everyone is saying this movie is bad yet I liked it. Does that make me weird? Different? Abnormal? Strange? Everyone will probably say that I have a bad or odd taste in movies and I don't know what I am talking about. They will probably stop inviting me to hang out with them as we don't have the same taste in movies.

You can read all the reviews and listen to what your peers have to say but, at the end of the day, you won't know what movie you like until you tried it. And while X-Men: First Class may not have lived up to the hype, my life didn't change that dramatically from watching it. Although I did have to hear "How could you like such a horrible movie" over and over.

Just like anything, it all depends on your personal taste and preference.

I like it when some scientists say that "homosexuality is a mutation" as it makes me feel that I am an X-Man.

Being gay is similar to movies and peoples opinions of them. There are many sources that insist that being gay is wrong. They claim that it's not natural, its defies Natural Moral Law, it upsets God, it's disgusting. It is all very distressing when you think about it. But it is society that makes a big deal out of it. Out of nothing, really. 

Society dictates that if you are gay then you are a mistake. God's creation, yes, but with an anomalous result. Once a boy or a girl realises who they are, they are labelled as different, irregular and in some cases, a mistake. From my first thought of what it would be like to kiss a boy, my fear was that this made me different and being different meant that I would not be accepted into society and more important, my circle of friends. Not that I fancied any of them but I didn't want my being gay to define me or to be judged by that aspect of me. Could they not like me for me and not for my sexual preference?

The X-Men say that being a mutant does not make you any less of a human. And just like X-Men I am gifted with being different – I can either hide it and let it destroy me or accept who I am , stand proud and forgive those who hate me.

Society view what is different is automatically bad. In X-Men, Jubilee asks why people hate mutants and Storm replies "people fear what they do not understand". In X-Men: Days of Future Past, Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage), sets out on a mission to study, unite the human race and to eradicate mutants from Earth because he feels they are dangerous. Similarly, you can find pages and pages of (mostly) unresearched and poorly written drivel on how evil and dangerous gays are. A case in point is Craig James speeches in Texas - proving how narrow minded society really is. And this attitude is not just directed at gays but at anyone who is perceived to be different. 

Where is our Professor X who will show the Trasks of this world that, “yes we are different but we are not evil”.

God doesn't care. Why would He?

Because of one line in the Bible, many flaunt the argument that homosexuality offends God (Leviticus 20:13). I heard an argument (I think this oner was by the Westboro Church) which claims that the evil and suffering in the world today is God's way of punishing us because of certain choices some people make (homosexuality, Religious freedom, etc).

I cannot believe in a God that hates us because we are “loving thy neighbour”. Did Jesus not say "treat those how you would want to be treated"? So why does society not let people live their lives the way they want but require everyone to conform? What gives them the right to be the judge and the jury of what is normal or right? Why does two guys or two girls in a relationship threaten their status quo?

Who are we to pass God's judgement when we are all judged equally in God's eyes?

We have seen time and time again how narrow minded society and backwards thinking can lead to devastation. Hitler alienated Jews, Blacks, Gypsies, Gays, anyone who did not fit his idea of a perfect race. He claimed they were the devil, filthy vermin living off of the wealth of Germany. When in fact those Jews, Blacks, Gypsies, Gays, and anyone who didn't fit his Aryan world were just Germans, who because of a confused, angry society, lost their home and identity. Hitler corrupted the minds of millions of Germans with hate, many of whom did not even understand why they hated.

Lest We Forget

Once a year "#lestweforget" trends on social media worldwide. The hypocrisy is that while we remember those who have died, we conveniently forget the cause they were fighting for. They died fighting for our freedom to live as individuals, to not be persecuted or suppressed for personal choices, like sexual orientation and religious beliefs. But their death may have been in vain because the way some politicians and "humans" judge and hate others proves that we are still shackled to the ignorance and hate that dictates our culture and society.

The banter of school boy.

School is one topic that I don't understand. We spend roughly 18 years of our lives working to achieve a letter that is supposedly going to get us into a good university, then job... then what? I don't even think the letter means anything, yeah people work hard and achieve that all impressive 12 A*s and make everyone else in their class feel like an ass because they are achieving and everyone else is sitting on a couple As and Bs. But those grades only mean something until you get to University, then the ball game changes. Its like playing American Football then thinking your going to play football in Europe but your thrown into the deep end because instead of using your hands you use your feet. Everyone says University is different from School, that's where life begins, a time to experiment and live life. You are not yet an adult but you are not a kid. You are in an expensive awkward middle phase, where you pay £9000 a year to find yourself and build a career you hope to achieve later in life.

But back on school, it is its own little bubble isn't it. It is not real. You are stuck in a building filled with people you have to see constantly, and you better like them if you are doing your GCSE or A level year because switching schools at that time, you might as well try your luck with winning the lottery. But in those few years, especially an all boy's school, things are different from that mix school. Having been to all of them, I can safely say, an all boy's school is the bitchest. I never imagined in my life to find boys so two faced. But it is a price to pay. When you talk to people outside school only a small elite few say they are still in contact with their school chums. So why do we make everything at school so damn important. Why is it when Mr popularity says something everyone jumps. Why is it that at school we take things so damn personal, then we go outside into the real world and Billy who was the Bees knees, is suddenly trying to relive his glory days. We do try to hold on so dear to our friends, everyone wants that ideal life long friend group, bros for life. But life isn't geared up that way any more.

Being accepted is really important at school, as they say "when in Rome". However, everyone outside of those four walls says to "be yourself". But how are we suppose to know who we are at the age of 16? That is a life long journey to find out, If only there was a place where you were not treated like an adult yet but could still act like a kid, oh yes we covered this, its that expensive building called University. But being accepted is impossible, psychologist tell us that mostly everyone in your class feels excluded and isolated. I can honestly say I agree. If we take a step out and really look at our friends at school a lot of the time they were not really being friends, it was all about calling each other "gay" and put down antics to get a cheep laugh from bystanders who wish to be involved. But is that friendship? If not when do we actually begin to make friends?

Everyone believes their school experience was unique. I beg to differer, every school has the same group of people, no mater how rich or how poor, how big or how small. The only thing that changes the experience is how you act and react. Im nearing the end of my school life and career, and even though I can say I will miss my group of friends, I do wish I did things slightly differently. I think the biggest lesson people need to learn is "know who your friends are" like that beer advert with the random aliens. People often follow who they feel is the most popular or coolest, and you may actually miss an opportunity to have a great friend because your so into what Billy is eating. Understand why people act certain ways, just because someone comes off as self absorbed, doesn't mean they are a bad guy. I always try to find the good in everyone I meet and focus on that, rather than trying to pick out what is wrong with them. Give everyone the chance to be a friend, just because someone may not look cool doesn't mean they are not fun, people may surprise you, look at Monster University Mike and Sully were opposites in the beginning but in the end they were the best team ever.

*note I have nothing wrong with anyone named Billy and I will probably talk about school again :)

The Baby, Tea, Shoes and the Drunken Chris

So today has been an exquisite day. I had the nephew around, a four month old baby. Now for a four month old baby , he seems pretty chilled , except when I hold him or go near him . Then he whines and moans. Why do babies whine so much?  it’s not like we can understand what it is he wants, if babies came out speaking English it would be far more productive.  To me my nephew looks to be ginger and his left eye noticeable bigger than his right. So to me it looks like he is noticing me judging his ginger hair and him feeling the self-cautious little baby starts to cry. Looks like from an early age our self-confidence is beaten down by small miniscule problems, perhaps that’s why in today’s society one word can throw you over the edge?

I also went to have some tea with my friend and we found this quaint coffee shop. The serves was godly slow, there were faster people in Ethiopia than in this shop. Maybe this is why Poland is stealing all our jobs? Anyway apart from waiting ten minutes for someone to realise we were waiting to be served and 20 minutes for this cup of tea, which had to admit was worth the wait. It had a potent fragrance and was at just the right temperature. You know when you make tea it’s too hot so you have that exciting 5 minutes for tea to reach optimum temperature to drink satisfyingly and if you miss that two minute window of opportunity, you’re sitting sadly with your cold cup of tea and you have to lie to your host and say “Yea its great!” when inside you’re longing to heat it because it just feels like ice. I also hate it when people put sugar and milk for me in tea, you don’t know how much I want a little to me could be a litter to you. And why is it when I say “Oh just one please” people take it as an opportunity to empty out the whole tub of sugar, I feel like I’m literally drinking diabetes. Diabetes taste like really sugary tea I feel my heart clogging, my heart might as well commit a heart attack just to save itself from this god awful tea. Regardless, to my original point about this coffee shop after we drank our tea and conversed in a great debate over is it nerdy to like super heroes. I for one don’t think so as it gives you a figure to look up to as its always cool to say “what would batman do” than to say “What would Lady gaga do”. Batman would be like “kick ass and save Gotham” while lady gaga would be like “Get high and act like a crazy person because that’s being original.” ANYWAY. After the tea my friend offered to pay and got out her card. The man took the card and said that would be “£3.90”, bargain. However, the old cretines goat of what seemed to be a woman with what looked like a vacuum was suctioning her body claimed that the price had to be over five pounds. This was possible the most ridiculous thing I have hear, since when was there a price on using a card. After a ferocious back and forth claiming its policy because she doesn’t know how electronic work we (I) tirelessly lost this battle, the man embarrassingly gave my friend back his card who walked off shaking his head to the nearest ATM which she apparently claimed was just round the corner. After some awkward stares and silent whispers between the two behind the counter my friend returned and she took the tenner and returned change after doing some simple maths on a pad of paper, not for business use or anything literally a scrap of paper. I for one will not return there.

I walked my friend back to work and she works at a shoe shop, a woman’s shoe shop. This is right next to a bigger woman’s shoe shop. Anyway upon entering you are greeting by a jet of cooling air and shoes in what looks like a closet. There are better shoe shops in India than this shop. And they were having a discount. I recall a woman couldn’t chose between what to me look like identical shoes, apparently two different makes but what do I know. She claimed one was more comfortable but the other looked nicer. I said go for the more comfortable one, being smart they look the same one is more comfortable then obviously it’s the better choice, I did not know woman do not wear shoes for comfort but yet for “Style”.  To be frank I don’t notice a woman’s shoes unless they took it off and showed it to me, who are they showing it to? If you’re going out its going to be dark or your feet are going to be under a table, and if they are not you’re going to be walking. And it’s not every day you go “oh I’m walking let me stare at my friends feet to make sure they are wearing the latest uncomfortable shoe”. I for one don’t care if you wear flats, heels (as long as you’re not taller than me) or clown shoes, I don’t see a girl and go “Damn those shoes are hot I wonder where she got them from.” Maybe if you had a foot fetish? But anyway this woman didn’t go for my decision claiming that she would be happier with the exact same but uncomfortable ones, so I put forward that if you are going to be walking a lot you might want the comfortable ones because you might be happier, which she took it as an insult on all of humanity that I claim that woman complain because their feet hurt. Maybe, science is too scared to advance in this field.

Another thing is, I was walking home and being a Friday the drunks are out in great numbers, quite scary sometimes. Today on “What drunk are you going to meet” I met a drunk who was 100% certain I was someone named Chris. Now if you know me I do not look like a Chris, I do not walk like a Chris, I do not talk like a Chris, I do not smell, sing, feel or think like a Chris, nor would I ever want to be called Chris. But this man was dead certain I was Chris and I owed him money. I kindly told him I wasn’t Chris and he was mistaken, and he said no I know that height and glasses its Chris. Now clearly I wasn’t going to win because at my height and wearing glasses who wouldn’t be Chris. I started to walk off and told him I’ve got the money I’ll go take it out of the bank now and ill phone him later. My question is, why do people get so unnecessarily drunk, girls it doesn’t look attractive if you’re there throwing up and guys it doesn’t make you look hard. Being tipsy is fine but flat out drunk it makes you look stupid and where do people keep getting it from?