Words of Depression

Ever since I can remember, I have always been treated as an outsider. I was that person; the one to laugh at, the one others blamed their problems on, the one to verbally abuse to make themselves feel better. They made me believe nothing I could do was right. ‘Peers’ labelled me as 'depressive', 'freak', 'emo', 'gay', 'ugly', 'special'. I was called these names and more, nearly every day of my life. Eventually, I became these words. It’s funny when you think about it; how powerful words are. They have the power to encourage you or humiliate you, to make you a hero or a zero. Something that starts off as a joke suddenly becomes the horror of your reality. Those words became my world, they became me and I became them. I am depressive. I am a freak. That's what I started to believe, because words are what we use to make our way through life.

Words cut deeper than a knife ever could. It would have been kinder for them to have just beaten me up than to hear those words many times every day. I never got a break. People seem to only judge from the superficial level. They never bothered to look deeper or to take the time to get to know me.

Most days, I would return home to parents arguing and a family in crisis. There was no peace. I began to shut myself away from the world. At least being alone I did not have to deal with what was outside. But, I was never alone. I wore the words like a second skin. I morphed into those words. Often times disguised as banter and “only joking”, those words became my prison. I  lost myself and I lost my way. They say you would not care if they were not true, but by this time I had begun to believe that they were true.

The words and the thoughts in my head, the ones telling me that I would never be good enough, that I was worthless continued to take hold of me. I believed that my “friends” were right about me after all. I sunk into depression. I became needy, I wanted them to fix this and as I got needier, they used the words to make their point, that I was a 'weird'. When I confronted them about their relentless name calling, they would say “It’s just banter don't be such a girl”. I had no voice, I became the freak in my own mind. Eventually, I gave up on them, on me, on life. I was tired of everything. Depression was a huge weight I carried around with me. It wrapped my world in darkness. I began to space out, not focusing at school or even on what was going on around me. I would go in and out of conversations and miss things that were being said or discussed and they would say I was 'special'. Eventually, I would return home, with ‘depressive’ feeling following me, enveloping me in so much darkness that I could not see a way out of the vicious cycle I was in.

I was tired. Alone. Confused. The thoughts spiralling out of control. Nothing made sense any more. I felt dead inside. I felt hopelessness. I thought that perhaps pain would make me feel alive.  Many nights I sat at the kitchen table holding a knife. I was so tired but sleep was out of the question. Tomorrow the cycle will repeat itself and there is no way to stop it. I hold onto that knife, hoping that it could free me from this prison. The pain makes me feel alive.

Some days I managed to pick myself up. I wore a mask and I wore it well. I made people laugh and for that I was the centre of attention some times. Some people were nice to me. But by this stage it made no difference. I felt hollow. No one could understand me. It’s difficult to explain, the melancholy of joy.  

With time I learned that words only have the power you give them. Slowly I learnt to accept myself for who I am and what I am. The words lost their power. I made friends with people who like me for me.  I still bear the scars from that dark period in my life but I wear them proudly. I survived.

The banter of school boy.

School is one topic that I don't understand. We spend roughly 18 years of our lives working to achieve a letter that is supposedly going to get us into a good university, then job... then what? I don't even think the letter means anything, yeah people work hard and achieve that all impressive 12 A*s and make everyone else in their class feel like an ass because they are achieving and everyone else is sitting on a couple As and Bs. But those grades only mean something until you get to University, then the ball game changes. Its like playing American Football then thinking your going to play football in Europe but your thrown into the deep end because instead of using your hands you use your feet. Everyone says University is different from School, that's where life begins, a time to experiment and live life. You are not yet an adult but you are not a kid. You are in an expensive awkward middle phase, where you pay £9000 a year to find yourself and build a career you hope to achieve later in life.

But back on school, it is its own little bubble isn't it. It is not real. You are stuck in a building filled with people you have to see constantly, and you better like them if you are doing your GCSE or A level year because switching schools at that time, you might as well try your luck with winning the lottery. But in those few years, especially an all boy's school, things are different from that mix school. Having been to all of them, I can safely say, an all boy's school is the bitchest. I never imagined in my life to find boys so two faced. But it is a price to pay. When you talk to people outside school only a small elite few say they are still in contact with their school chums. So why do we make everything at school so damn important. Why is it when Mr popularity says something everyone jumps. Why is it that at school we take things so damn personal, then we go outside into the real world and Billy who was the Bees knees, is suddenly trying to relive his glory days. We do try to hold on so dear to our friends, everyone wants that ideal life long friend group, bros for life. But life isn't geared up that way any more.

Being accepted is really important at school, as they say "when in Rome". However, everyone outside of those four walls says to "be yourself". But how are we suppose to know who we are at the age of 16? That is a life long journey to find out, If only there was a place where you were not treated like an adult yet but could still act like a kid, oh yes we covered this, its that expensive building called University. But being accepted is impossible, psychologist tell us that mostly everyone in your class feels excluded and isolated. I can honestly say I agree. If we take a step out and really look at our friends at school a lot of the time they were not really being friends, it was all about calling each other "gay" and put down antics to get a cheep laugh from bystanders who wish to be involved. But is that friendship? If not when do we actually begin to make friends?

Everyone believes their school experience was unique. I beg to differer, every school has the same group of people, no mater how rich or how poor, how big or how small. The only thing that changes the experience is how you act and react. Im nearing the end of my school life and career, and even though I can say I will miss my group of friends, I do wish I did things slightly differently. I think the biggest lesson people need to learn is "know who your friends are" like that beer advert with the random aliens. People often follow who they feel is the most popular or coolest, and you may actually miss an opportunity to have a great friend because your so into what Billy is eating. Understand why people act certain ways, just because someone comes off as self absorbed, doesn't mean they are a bad guy. I always try to find the good in everyone I meet and focus on that, rather than trying to pick out what is wrong with them. Give everyone the chance to be a friend, just because someone may not look cool doesn't mean they are not fun, people may surprise you, look at Monster University Mike and Sully were opposites in the beginning but in the end they were the best team ever.

*note I have nothing wrong with anyone named Billy and I will probably talk about school again :)